he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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