ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
