Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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