i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
