I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
