I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
