i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
