Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
