P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
