Four minutes until I can fart!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize