i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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