We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
