Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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