So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I party with great urgency now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
