Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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