Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
