Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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