I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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