I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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