im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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