I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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