i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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