just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
