My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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