I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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