I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
