I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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