i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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