I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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