she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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