Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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