I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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