im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
