I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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