I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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