He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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