I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
