Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
