Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
