i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
