Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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