I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
