My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
