reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
