Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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