Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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