she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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