Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
