why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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