I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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