i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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