Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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