My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
