I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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