So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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