Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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