I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
