the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
