K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
