I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
